Quality Television
by mistress amethyst une
Summary: --"It's hard to be proud considering I said 'nipples' at a televised ESUN assembly." One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** GW = not mine

**Author's Note:** Prompt 7 is "broadcast." I separated this from the other ficlets in Nonsensical Nuances because, by my standards, this is too long to qualify as a ficlet. Since the ficlets in that series are, at the most, loosely related, there is no need to have read Nonsensical Nuances to understand this. I would appreciate it if you read and review NN as well though. :)

This is inspired by certain events in the How I Met Your Mother episode "Return of the Shirt." If you're familiar with the show, good! If you aren't, it doesn't matter, this fic is still lots of fun and requires no HIMYM knowledge to understand. :D

**Quality Television  
by mistress amethyst une**

"I'm not saying that on live television," stated Relena bluntly. "This is not a point up for discussion."

Relena walked down the hall at as rapid a pace as she could muster. She needed to put some distance between her and Dorothy before-

"Don't be such a prude," chided Dorothy, as she met Relena step for step in walking speed. "It's not like there won't be anything in it for you. I'll make a hefty donation to that orphanage on L-1. Looking at how Heero turned out, that colony cluster needs as much help as it can get."

Relena stopped dead in her tracks.

_Here we go again._

The wicked witch was using yet another "charitable cause" to manipulate the princess's bleeding heart.

"But-"

_Don't fall for it, Relena. Keep walking. You can't agree to this._

"Think about it, Miss Relena. You won't be doing it to fulfill my selfish little whim. You'll be doing it for those poor war orphans, those innocent souls tragically ripped from-"

_Run!_

"You're not going to let this go, are you?"

_Of course, she isn't going to let this go! Scram! Move!_

"No," smirked Dorothy, aware of what was going to happen next.

_Wipe that smirk off her face. Ignore her. Leave!_

"What do you want me to say?"

_Relena Darlian, you are now officially the biggest idiot in this solar system._

Dorothy grinned as she whispered in her friend's ear. Relena's mouth fell agape.

"No way in hell! I can't- Dorothy, I'll be ruined!"

"Orphans, Miss Relena. Remember? Hungry children looking to you for their next meal? Besides, if you're creative enough, it might very well be a quote for the history books."

"I highly doubt that," she growled. "How is it that I'm doing this? Again? You'd think I'd have learned my lesson..."

"You did an excellent job last time. Thanks to you, those destitute but bright young students from Lake Victoria are now debt-free and assured of an education. Aren't you proud?"

"It's hard to be proud considering I said _nipples_ at a televised ESUN assembly."

"You practically cheated. Quoting someone else... That was a rip-off."

"_Production and consumption are the nipples of modern society. Thus suckled, humanity grows in strength and beauty; rising standard of living, all modern conveniences, distractions of all kinds, culture for all, the comfort of your dreams,_" laughed Relena. "Got to thank Raoul Vaneigem for being so eloquent."

"No quoting this time. Make history with your own words."

"You mean _your _words," scoffed Relena. "I'll agree but I have my own conditions. If I do this, you have to swear to me that this is the last time you'll use children to play on my sympathy or, God help me, I'm adopting every orphan I can get my hands on and asking you and Quatre to babysit. Deal?"

Dorothy took Relena's hand and shook it. "I'm looking forward to your interview."

"I'm not," she sighed as she parted ways with Dorothy, walking slowly to delay her political demise. Pagan met her at the door and escorted her to the car. As she got in, she was pleasantly surprised to see Heero already in the backseat, waiting for her.

"Nipples?" he asked, noticing her worried expression. He could read her like a book.

She bowed her head in shame. "Yes. Again..."

"What is it this time?"

"You'll hear it in a few hours," she said, gently banging her head against the glass window.

"You'll hurt yourself if you keep doing that," he scolded, pulling her close and pressing her head against his shoulder.

"Maybe if my brain's addled enough, I won't have to do the interview."

He smiled, a gentle expression he hardly revealed to anyone else. "Then who would help the charity Dorothy used to drag you into this?"

"Orphanage, actually." She didn't mention to him that the orphanage was on L1. Her reluctance to help might hurt him.

"I'm sure it's not that bad. You managed "nipples" just fine."

"How can you say that with a straight face?"

"It's a gift. What is it that Dorothy wants you to say?"

"If you insist..."

She pulled his head down and whispered in his ear.

"That is...bad," he remarked.

"Any pointers you could give me?"

"Have you considered a career outside politics?"

She shoved him away and resumed banging her head against the window.

Fortunately, they arrived at the venue soon after she became a masochist, and no lasting damage was done. Relena's staff came at her like a tidal wave and spirited her away to her dressing room leaving Heero to find himself a seat amongst the live studio audience. As the host began addressing his viewers and introducing the show, Heero settled in and began scoping the audience for potential assasins. Satisfied that there were no immediate visible threats, Heero waited intently as the host, a well-dressed man in his mid-thirties by the name of George Wesley, introduced Relena.

She came onstage, dressed in a pair of crisp black slacks with a simple but feminine white blouse. It immediately became clear to Heero what the newspapers meant when they described her as "beautiful even when she meant business." All traces of nerves were absent from the facade she used to face the public. Was this the same girl who'd been banging her head against the window roughly an hour ago?

She gave Wesley's hand a firm shake before almost tripping on her own feet as she took her seat.

"Definitely the same girl," concluded Heero.

"Good evening, Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian," began Wesley, having gone through this same process with thousands of guests. "Welcome to _Counterpoint _with George Wesley."

"Good evening, Mr. Wesley," she replied, a well-calculated smile in place to disarm her potential verbal sparring partner. "Please call me Relena. I'm just another member of the public doing her job. There's no need for formalities. I never did understand the need for me to always have my occupation said alongside my name."

"Target acquired," mused Heero.

"Well then, Relena," declared the host, mildly surprised at how down to earth she was. "And you can just keep calling me Mr. Wesley."

Mild chortles issued from the audience.

Clearing his throat, Wesley effectively silenced them. It was apparent that this man meant business.

"Let's get started, shall we? As we all know, the Earth Sphere Unified Nations has nothing but good things to say about the way you handled the crisis concerning the embezzlement of funds on the new spaceport project. Could you give us your insight on how you remained stable under all that pressure from your more experienced peers?"

Heero noted how Wesley praised then mildly condescended to Relena by implying that she was less experienced. This was a dangerous man. Then again, judging by the fire in Relena's eyes, there was nothing to worry about.

"I wouldn't call them more experienced, per se," she stated. "They're older but most of them are in their political infancy. I was raised in a household that was fed on politics and, quite literally, I had the world at my feet even as a child of fifteen. I'm not saying I did a wonderful job as queen but that qualifies as political work experience my peers could not even imagine having. On the matter of stability, that aspect of me is second nature considering the time I've spent in the political arena."

"Flawless," smirked Heero.

Wesley never quite recovered from Relena's first blow. Every loaded question he threw simply bounced off her. The only problem Relena had now was throwing in Dorothy's damned phrase.

"Well, Relena," said Wesley with badly hidden spite. "It seems we're almost out of time. One last question before we hit the road?"

"Go right ahead."

And now it was time. Wesley was going to use the last weapon in his arsenal. For the first time that night, Heero saw trepidation in Relena's eyes.

"If you don't mind us asking about your personal life..."

"I don't."

"Excellent call," thought Heero. "Non-disclosure is as big a no-no as full disclosure. Play this right..."

"Is it true that you've been dating one of your bodyguards?"

Heero was not expecting this scenario to play out. They had been discreet, hadn't they? In public, they did the best they could to avoid fueling the rumors. Was Relena ready for this? He looked at her and noticed a smile playing upon her lips.

"I would hardly call the top security officer in Preventer's roster a mere bodyguard, Mr. Wesley. Especially considering he's a war hero who can opt for any other occupation he pleases. He's not my bodyguard. He protects me as a hobby. He just happens to receive a salary for it. So, no, I'm not dating a subordinate. Is that what you were trying to imply?"

Wesley was shocked into silence.

"Mr. Wesley, contrary to popular belief, I'm not the perfect political child prodigy. Call me what you will. Actually, let me give the tabloids their headline now. Relena Darlian is a bad, bad girl with a thing for bad, bad boys. That's what you wanted to hear, wasn't it?"

She walked off the set to thunderous applause.

Heero immediately rose from his seat and followed her backstage. He found her in her dressing room, slumped against a wall with her head in her hands.

"I can't believe you actually said that," he stated, staring at her in wonder.

"Any career suggestions, Heero? Father always said I had a lovely singing voice. Maybe I can take up piano again and pitch in at that orphanage on L-1. Live off Dorothy's money..."

"You're fine as a politician. Did you hear that applause? You successfully destroyed one of television's biggest douchebags on his own show. And you did it with Dorothy's damned bet phrase. Wait, what's this talk about L-1?"

She peeped at him between her fingers. "Oh, Heero, you'll think it's stupid."

"Dorothy used me to get to you, didn't she? She knows I'm from L-1."

Sheepishly, Relena nodded. "But I would have helped them no matter what colony cluster they were from. It just really hit home when she said L-1. When I was younger, St. Gabriel's took in some children from L-1 and there was this boy- You remind me so much of him, Heero. I never wanted to see a child suffer like that again."

"Relena, you're a great politician. Keep at it and, one day, you'll get your dream."

"I suppose so. But I let the whole Earth Sphere know about us in the process. I confirmed all the gossip about me dating someone serving under me."

"Relena, whether I'm a Preventer or not, I will always enjoy serving under you."

She caught his meaning and finally put her hands down as she snickered. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"I should be asking you that. Come on, bad girl. After all this, I have a feeling you'll want me serving under you all night. Besides, listening to that broadcast in the car may very well have given Pagan a heart attack."

"Wouldn't want that," she smiled as he took her by the hand.

Suffice to say, if the radio simulcast didn't send poor Pagan into cardiac arrest, the ruckus Heero and Relena intended to cause in the backseat would definitely do the trick.

* * *

One-shot done!


End file.
